Solutions to Life's Myriad of Problems

Being a celebrity is hard...

With less than a week of sports writing under my belt, I have already been overwhelmed with massive amounts of fan mail to my website. I have sifted through the thousands of emails (most have to do with how cool and good looking I am) and found a few questions from readers that I'd like to answer.

From T. Owens in Phili,

Herm, I don't know why people don't like me. I'm far and above the most talented WR in the NFL and I people don't even want me to play on their team. How do I reconcile this?

Dear T. Owens- quit being a jerk and play the game. Look at all of the great receivers that have played in the NFL, most kept their mouths shut and just played football. The greatest rewards come to those who are patient, so shut the hell up, button the strap and catch passes. Thanks to your behavior, the most watched NFL WR is an OSU grad who is terrible at golf. Do everyone a favor, fire Rosenhaus and do your job and stop crying.

From M. Irving in Dallas,

What up yo? The man keeps coming down on me and is blowing my high. Don't I deserve a place in the Hall? LT got in with that lame earring he wears and he did blow, not what every other person in the U.S. does, the greens. What should I do?

Dear M. Irving- do what you do, you're not getting in. Due to pure stupidity on your part, you won't get in. You were the third most important aspect on your team for those superbowls being Smith and Aikman and you supplemented your nomination with drug convictions and lies. You're not in, so do what you want and keep that party going, idiot.

From A. Morrison in Spokane,

Did you see my new 'stache? I have a big game this weekend is Seattle and I want to know if you think we'll win?

Dear A. Morrison- you'll play well but come up short. After seven straight wins over UW and a top ten ranking, it would seem you have an edge in this game. However, Romar and the Dawgs played your same team from last year, sans Turiaff, and he'll coach his team up as to how you play the game. This Washington team you will see on Sunday is much different than last years, and with a lower presence on the floor, you guys will have to be money from outside. I see a great game from both sides, but UW edging out your Zags 89-87 on a 21-8-8 night from Brandon Roy.

From V. Young in Texas,

My 'Horns shalacked Colorado today and I had a great game. Don't you think that I should win the Hiesman?

No, and if you had a TV by your locker and saw what Bush did today you'll know why. He locked it up today with over 200 yds and 2 tds in the first half against UCLA including a goal line leap after a sick run. You're a great player and will have an outstanding career in the NFL, but Bush was unstoppable this year and outshined a previous Hiesman winner in Lienart.

In other news:

I'm busy so I didn't update yesterday...sorry. I'll do my best to stay on top of it.

Big D's in your mouth is bad for your health,

Herm