NFL: National Felons League

Hermnation is back and in full effect as Vanilla Ice would say....

After a long absence, Hermnation is back and more cutting edge for 06. Speaking of cutting, the NFL is known for a poetic display of combat and violence, and this piece is strictly devoted to those NFL stars who have an appetite for violence off the field or an appetite for illegal substances. These athletes would make Ron Artest say, "Hey yo, I ain't gonna F with that yo. Those people F people up, and that's real yo." (Hermnation, always straight from the source)

Maurice Clarett's career (aka downward spiral) and current activities (aka too bad Johnie Cochran has passed) has inspired me to look at my all time favorite ex-cons. The NFL has has been plagued (ESPN has been blessed) with numerous NFL stars that just can't leave it on the field. Here are my all time favorites (in order of dumbassness):

10. Maurice Clarett (Left Out, Denver)

The saga begins. After a spectacular freshman year, MC got a head bigger than mine (7 and 5/8ths bitches) and thought he could cut it in the NFL at age 19. A magistrate told him "Hell no yo" (according to Mike Williams) and he had to sit...and eat PopEye's. In combines he was slow and fat but got a blessing as a fourth round pick by Denver. Denver wised up and cut his fat ass and he then robbed two people outside a night club in Columbus. What was all this worth? One of those Nokia Cell phones from 2001 with a Matrix themed faceplate. Dumbass rating: 50

9. Mark Chumra (TE, Green Bay)

Remember Chewey? No, not the guy that saved the Rebellion a long time ago. I'm talking about the TE that likes the ladies, or should I say the teenie boppers? Well Chewey bopped a teenie that was even teenier in age (17 or so) and is now listed on the sexual predator list in WisconSIN. My favorite part about his foray into criminal activity, he was charged with "child enticement" what the hell is that? Dumbass rating: 60

8. Mark Gastineau (DE, various teams)

Gastineau never quite got it (drug possession, illegal gambling etc.) but ended up getting it in the end (pardon the pun, 11 months in Riker's for parole violations). I'm not mad at Gastineau for his crimes. I am more upset at him for his part in the worst TV show ever (behind Dr. Phil). Dumbass rating: 30 + 60 for Gastineau Girls= 90

7. Eugene Robinson (SS, Seahawks, Green Bay)

This award is mainly for his timing. The night before the Superbowl and days after he received the Bart Starr award from Athletes in Action, he dropped a whopping $40 for a hand job (a hand job? are you 15?) from an undercover policewoman. Wow. Dumbass rating: 100

6. Rae Carruth (WR and current "bitch" of Curly in Sing Sing)

Rae committed the most heinous crime in NFL history and the closest seat he'll ever reach to the Hall is one that is a few to the left of Satan. Rae wasn't even that good, so I view this as an attempt to make a name for himself. He is currently the MVP of Cell Block 42 for he "deep posts". Dumbass rating: Infinite (but he's only 6th because he wasn't going to have much of an NFL career anyway)

5. Jamal Lewis (RB, Ravens free agent 2006)

I usually will let people borrow my cell phone for a call, but I'd never let Jamal use mine. He tried to hook up some H for a friend ($25,000 worth) and saw 4 months in lock-up. The good news: some desperate team will pay him good money as a free agent after a 2.8 yd/carry season in 2005 because he holds the record for yards in a game (double props because he called it the day before) and a 2,000yd season. Dumbass rating: 110 because he's still getting paid

4. Romo (LB Denver, Oakland)

The poster boy for steroids, Romo not only has been brought up on drug charges, he also clocked a backup tight end in the FACE with his helmet. "I'm sorry your honor, the drugs made me do it." No pity for you cheater, eat a D and sit at the right hand of Palmeiro for permanent placement on the blacklist. Also, Romo is reported to bigot racist and will soon join Carruth in Hell. Dumbass rating: 0 (I'm scared he'll rage into my house and kill me)

3. Michael Irvin (WR, Dallas)

The ESPN sports desk has been permanently tainted because Irvin's White Pony took a fat dump on it in during commercials. The guy just can't have enough. What more do you want? He should've listened to No. 2's advice in "The Waterboy", "and with that kids, as I always say, don't do drugs." Dumbass rating: 200 because he hasn't learned his lesson

2. Laurence Taylor (Thunderbolt, NY Giants)

Another poster boy for drug use, LT had about as many sacks as he did lines in Studio 54. He broke many bones of opposing quarterbacks and them attempted to smoke them because reporters said he "cracked" them, and therefore thought they were themselves crack (bad joke, sorry). Sorry LT, but you paved the way for Irvin and continue to make petty drug users look GOOD. Dumbass rating: 300 because Irvin was inspired by his activities

And for my number one

OJ (Shocker!!!!!!)

In trying to find some things to say about OJ, my sources did not provide me any information. The White Bronco wouldn't return my calls and the Leather Glove is reportedly out of the country. Dumbass Rating: Infinite (mostly because he is responsible for launching the career of Cato Kailen)

Honorable Mention: Ray Lewis, Warren Moon, Todd Marinovich, Lawerence Phillips, Barrett Robbins, Randy Moss, Dante Culpepper, Ontario Smith, Koren Robinson (seeing a theme here?), Jeremy Stevens, Nate Newton, Justin Sterlyzck (RIP), Chris Terry, Keno Hills, Suge Knight (he played for the Chiefs), Alonzo Spellman, Darrell Russel (RIP), Jim Dun-away (like his wife), Gene Atkins, Corey Fuller, and Sabastian Janikowski.

OK, I'll update everyday so as Ron Artest would say, "Check it out yo like my new album, it's hotter than hell according to Carruth!!"

Herm

(Disclaimer--the above facts are based on true situations but many assumptions and embellishments have been made. This is meant to be a satire, nothing more. Romo, if you want to sue me, hop in line, and I'll take the site down.)