Olympics Extravaganza!!!!

Ok Ok, I know, I know…

Herm, why haven’t you updated in so long?

Well it’s like this; I really have been just lazy. There, you happy? The Superscam, I mean bowl, got me down. Then the Huskies dropped three in a row. I was so distraught that I turned to the Olympics. Yes, the winter Olympics; sports that Americans pay attention to once every four years. I am not ashamed I am a fair weather fan, I watch once every four years. Isn’t that enough? I mean, how much entertainment can you get watching cross country skiers regularly? We don’t live in Norway, we have technology called electricity and TV in this country so we have alternatives, i.e. Nintendo. But I guess these sports are a big deal in Europe, so it’s up to the U.S. to put Europe back in its place.

Yeah I’m talking to you France. What are you going to do? Throw croissants and cheese at me? I thought you were pacifists? Just remind me, what country bailed your ass out in WWI and WWII? Yeah, that’s what I thought. Get back to making cognac for Snoop D-O Double G and Bellevue wannabes at the Parlor.

Everyone who’s anybody knows my dream. It is to do two chicks at the same time. OK kidding, shameless Office Space quote. It is really to win the lottery. I didn’t win the super megaball $367 mill payout (someone in Nebraska did) but a man can dream can’t he? Well, if I won, I would devote four years of my life to winning an Olympic gold. I’m still 23, so I have some athleticism in my 5’11” 195 lbs. frame. Here is my survey of the possibilities:

The Luge
At the fraternity, I was a luge champion. So I sit down to watch the luge and I realize a frat luge is much different than a Olympic luge. Instead of drinking a shot of alcohol and juice that is run down a 500 lb. block of ice like a frat luge, an Olympic luge requires too much work. The Germans and Austrians have a lock on the gold, so I’m gonna have to pass.

The Two Man Luge
See above, plus it’s just a little too Brokebacky for me. No offense

The Skeleton
Yeah, right. 83 mph headfirst, four inches above the ice? I’m just going to be honest with myself, I really don’t have the balls.

Figure Skating
Ballet on the ice. I could probably be OK at this. The killer for me was that I’d probably have to hang out with Johnny Wier. No offense to swans or anything, but I don’t have a list of favorite designers, therefore, nothing to talk about.

Ice Dancing
I know what you’re thinking; but two words. Tanith Belbin. What you thinking now?

Alpine Skiing
I originally thought no one this one, but then I heard Bode’s comments and I got intrigued. Skiing, drunk? I do that all the time in Whistler! I can do that! Then I reminded myself of my skiing prowess which includes such accolades like making it down a blue run… falling only twice. I guess this one’s out.

Speed Skating
Sorry, not into the soul patch.

Snowboarding
Yeah dude! Like, totally getting some wicked air and getting some massive grindage on the rails foo. As much as I’d like to be associated with pothead losers that have never heard of a haircut or math, I’ll have to pass. I just think about sitting on the team bus with Shaun White and telling me about his snack attack at 2:30am he had the previous night after getting into the Pink Floyd Wall DVD. It would probably entail Cheese-Its, thirty Jack in the Box Tacos, and flour tortillas from a ziplock Stayfresh bag that he tore open because he was so blazed he didn't know how to operate a ziplock.

Snowball Fighting
Ok, just making sure you’re paying attention. I think that if I had that kind of money I could get the Olympic committee to pick the sport up. I am a mean snow fighter (the official term for a professional snowball athlete). I am of the cut of Jeff Daniels on Lauren Holly in Dumb and Dumber. Watch out Vancouver 2010.

The Biathlon
Now I was under the impression that the Olympics foster peace and love and all of that lame stuff. But for those of you who aren’t familiar with the biathlon, it’s got guns. Yeah guns. You get to shoot stuff. I mean, this sport is so cool Dick Cheney could get into this. (Heyo, tip your waitress, try the veal!!)

OK, here it is, the number one choice

CURLING!!
Who could have thought of a cooler sport? This is of the cloth of tabletop shuffle board at the Duchess, but bigger, and colder. It takes limited athletic skill (+), you could probably do it drunk (+) and you get to hang out with Johnson sisters (+). I don’t know how you can get any better than this. I think I could pay a top team to move here to Seattle to train here (and me). OK, all I need to do now is win the lottery. This is so genius!

Later,
The Herm