Why I didn't go to Gonzaga

Words can't describe this; video just watch.....

http://www.youtube.com/w/Gonzaga-Love?v=eGlHIBzIknc&search=gonzaga%20love

(appropriate for work viewing)

Playoffs Over/Under Bananza!!

I really dislike the east coast right now...

There has been more media coverage about how Peyton Manning (aka Chokerus Maximus) and Tom Brady (Prettius Lamus) are out of the playoffs than the two great NFC playoff teams that are left. Of course, it's warranted because we are inferior to the east coast markets because Carolina and Seattle are considered "small market" NFL teams. To that I say, "weak sauce" because the Panthers and the Seahawks are the two best teams left in the playoffs. The eye candy of the east coast, the Patriots and the Colts are out because they were beaten plain and simple. It wasn't because of bad calls (those went against the winning team, the Steelers), or lucky plays (wasn't that 102 yd interception return Brady's bad throw?). I'm tired of this crap, but it seems to continue.

This jerk off continues the Seattle bashing in an ignorant fashion. It's not like he's using the numbers to make his argument about ranking the final four quarterbacks, rather, he based it on ONE play by Hasselbeck. He conviently failed to mention that MVP Shaun Alexander went out in the first quarter and Hasselbeck carried the team for the remaining three quarters. He also forgot to mention the play on third and long in the third quarter to Jerivicious down the left sideline where Hasselbeck directed Joe to make a move away from the defender. What about the two clutch runs where Hasselbeck ran for a first down and a later one for a touchdown? What about how he had a higher QB rating the entire season than the four players ranked ahead of him? It's crap, this kid is a moron and I hope Hasselbeck makes him eat his ignorance.

With that said, it's over under time for the playoffs. Vegas will take bets on a variety of things, and the NFL playoffs are no exception. Here are the latest Vegas lines for things surrounding the Seahawks/Panthers match up:

.5 people that run out on the field during play
50 people that would do it if they were more drunk

25 domestic violence protestors in front of Qwest protesting Holmgren’s decision to let Locklear play
0 Seahawks fan that care
1 Fan that supports this solely because of the innocent until proven guilty principle (he should be getting everything that he has coming to him if he committed the crime)

1 replay of Julius Pepper's take-away TD run from last season
3 replays of Walter Jonepan-cakingng Peppers

40,000 drunk people aQwestst
5 people in Section 316 that get thrown out for puking and/or fighting

25 ESPN analysts that pick Carolina to win
1 ESPN analysts that pick Seattle to win (Michael Clayton)

4 mentions that Shaun Alexander chokes in the playoffs
2 mentions that he is the MVP

6 mentions that Tom Brady and/or Peyton Manning are out of the playoffs
.5 mentions that Hasselbeck had better passer ratings than both

2 highlights of Zorn to Largeant from the 1985 AFC Championship game
0 highlights of the Rick Mirer to Benny Blades connection

4 criticisms by commentators that the Hawks should not have let Ken Lucas leave
0 mentions that Trufant is a better corner

5 mentions that it rains in Seattle
0 that Seattle is the best city to live in the country

2 graphics displaying all the coaches that are now head coaches that worked for Bill Belichek
1 graphic that nobody cares

4 times in the broadcast that Alexander is a FA at the end of the season
0 analysts that realize signing LG Hutchinson is more important than signing Alexander

25 times in the game Mack Strong lays a perfect block for Alexander or Hasselbeck
0 mentions that he has been robbed of the Pro Bowl every year except for this season

6 mentions on how great Lofa Taputu has played this season
0 mentions about how every analyst criticized this selection on draft day

Straight line: ESPN's campus in Bristol CN will implode and be covered in 50 feet of snow if the Seahawks win this weekend.

I have 5 hundo on the last straight up line

Herm

Laid Back, With My Mind On My Money and My Money On My Mind

Coming straight from the streets of SE Bellevue...

For the first time in a month, the sun was out and I was able to roll to class with my windows down and Slipknot blasting. It was still cold so I was sure to turn on the seat warmers as I entered central Seattle. Well, my windows were down until I made a right on Cherry at 34th Ave and then I rolled them up as I entered the central district (see Michael Bolton in Office Space). I don't want to get any looks from the guy that looks like he's crossing the street in front of the AMPM on 23rd Ave but never crosses. Then some WT in a Chrysler Caprice roll up and pretend to just be chatting until some rock gets slanged (that's Eazy-E speak for "passed") through the window.

As I pass 14th out of the ghetto, I roll down my windows again in front of the ESL school. With the chorus of "Pulse of the Maggots" (If you want to take my life you can have it! (WE) are the pulse of the maggots!) blasting, I struck straight fear in the eyes of a pack of Asian students on their smoke break during class. As I glanced over with my menacing white Polo Ralph Lauren hat on, one was so terrified I would jump out and straight up gank him (gank is Eazy-E speak for "rob") he gave me the peace sign. That got me thinking as to the Japanese and other's chances at this year's World Baseball Classic. Man I am a G.

With the lengthy intro out of the way, the WBC will kick off it's inaugural year around the world in MLB's gratuitous attempt to create more revenue from third world countries in Latin America. Selig was licking his chops at the U.S.A.'s potential dominance in the classic until the roster of the Dominican Republic was unveiled. With a batting order that reads; Alfonso Soriano, Adrian Beltre, David Ortiz, Manny Ramirez, Sammy Sosa, and Alex Rodriguez for starters, and speaking of starters, pitchers Pedro Martinez and Bartolo Colon round out the uber talent of the DR, Selig is totally crapping his pants. Our roster isn't too shabby either; Griffey, Bonds, Thome, Derek Lee, Texiera, Chipper Jones, and Johnny Damon, with pitchers (among others) Clemens, Johnson, Pettite, Schilling ect., the U.S.A. and D.R. are the favorites. Venezuela has the pitching, Puerto Rico has the batting (and some Puerto Rican guys), the Japanese have the technique, and the Chinese, well, ummmm, the Chinese have Communism and cheap electronics. The WBC is shaping out to be a pretty level playing field with the exception of Australia and the Netherlands (they have all those islands in the Caribbean and stuff like that, ohh, and Andruw Jones).

In other news:
UW beat UCLA in a comeback win down in LA. Lordmar's squad is finally playing with a bit of consistency and if Brockman can get 10-10 (or close to it) a night, UW is sitting pretty in Pac-10 play. Dolph Lundgren, aka Mike Jensen, is back, knocking down threes and playing terrible defense which cancel each other out for all you math nerds out there.

Seahawks RT Sean Locklear has joined my list of felons from last week because he played a little to rough trying to get his girl in line at Bell Town Billiards. She was apparently dancing with another man, and I know exactly who it was. It was the same guy that is always there that looks like Isiah Stanbeck and spits mad game at the ladies. I guess Locklear never heard the joke that starts: What do you say to a woman that has two black eyes? Seriously though, domestic violence isn't funny and is one of the most unreported abused crimes in the U.S.. I hope if he did commit a crime he gets prosecuted. At any rate, he'll be abused on Sunday by Carolina DE Julius Peppers.

Tomorrow check back for my NFL playoffs over/under extravaganza!

Herm

Boring Post, not gonna lie

Pardon the interruption, I'm the Herm and I foresee a sad, sad host on Monday....

The reigning leader of east coast bias, Tony Korheiser of ESPN's Pardon the Interruption absolutely ripped not only the Seahawks, but the entire city of Seattle earlier this week on national television. I watch PTI everyday, it's one of my favorite shows, and I have noticed that Tony has a problem with the west coast.

He's from NY, went to Binghamton University in one of the ugliest cities in the U.S. (behind Eugene). I've actually been to Binghamton on my way to Ithaca NY when I had to transfer buses. It smelled of failure and broken dreams.

He made it out of there somehow and now holds a spot as a senior sports writer for the Washington Post. Because he can lay claim to being from NY and DC, he is the most notable leader in the fight against the west coast.

I have bad news for you Tony. After you picked: 1) Washington over the Hawks; 2) The Pats over Denver; 3) Carolina over Chicago; and 4) The Colts barely winning over Pittsburgh, you will be 1-3 in your NFL picks this weekend. He is most pressing when it comes to Seattle, however, continuously bashing Seattle and everyone that lives here. He picked Tiki Barber over Alexander for NFL MVP. He thought Eli and Brunell should've been in the pro bowl. Tony, I understand your hometown love, but you're on national TV, be supportive of great teams and players across the country, not only those that reside east of the Mississippi. Because of this, I now Tivo Around the Horn instead of PTI because of your crap.

(Note: When the Hawks win, Tony will receive + or - 50 emails from me reminding him of the Foreskins loss)

In other news:

Ray got suspended for three games after being brutally attacked by some no name jerk off. Weak, the other guy came after him in the depths of the Key and only got five games. Hey Stern, what if it was a black player attacking a white player? Would your penalties have been the same? I think not.

Speaking of the NBA, could you get used to the Bellevue Super Sonics? It is being reported that team owners have been discussing plans with city officials and business leaders (including Kemper Freeman) about building a new arena where the Safeway distribution plant (Bel-Red Road) resides for the Supes. The only hitch is there may not be enough local labor to meet the chauffeur parking demands of Medina.

UW has had trouble putting teams away as of late, including last night over USC. Our starters are playing well except for the offensive fouls and turnovers. Clean that up Lordmar and you have final four talent....

UW football has landed some serious recruits from around the nation. Our class currently ranks 25th in the nation and 3rd in the Pac-10 behind USC and Cal.

Herm

Making That Paper

If only I had worked harder in high school....

When I was young, I thought the way to get ahead in life was to get my education and success would follow. Boy was I wrong. After receiving my grades from my first semester of law school, I have found out that public interest groups won't even let me volunteer for them for free this summer. Oh well, looks like another summer of slanging martinis and pizzas. Thanks college!

Luckily for people like Vince Young and Reggie Bush, they didn't listen to their parents and focused on sports instead. It's great that I can beat these guys in a educational contest, however, they will make more money in a year than I will in my whole life.

I could care less if football, basketball or whatever other athletes leave college early in order to pursue professional athletics. The whole point for higher education is to advance yourself economically by obtaining a higher degree of expertise than the next guy. What difference is it if Bush gets his degree in communications or he leaves early to the draft? About $2.7 million in forgone income if he stayed. I don't think any degree is worth $2.7 million in one year's time.

That's why Matt Leinart is a moron. I remember sportswriters saying how great it was that he stayed to finish his degree. Look what class he took to finish the degree, ballroom dancing. Leinart is a much better person for taking ballroom dance than he was before; or wait, if he left he would've been the Heisman trophy winner going into the draft and the #1 pick, and now he's a distant third in Heisman voting and the second best quarterback in the draft; oops. I'm sorry, if the cash is there now, go ahead kid, get paid, that's what I'd do. Law school could wait if I could be a NFL badass.

Now that all of the key players have declared, here is my first mock draft for the top ten picks:

1. Green Bay- RB Reggie Bush, USC
In a move with one minute left on the clock, Houston trades back five spots because they have a decent running back (Dominic Davis) and quarterback (David Carr) and are in desperate need of an O-line. Houston receives Green Bays 1st round, 3rd round, 5th round pick, next years 2nd round pick and Najeh Davenport in compensation. Green Bay does not re-sign free agent Ahman Green because Drew Rosenhaus squashed all respect for Green from the Green Bay organization. Shortly thereafter, Green points a gun at a teenager in a Taco Bell parking lot and gets an iPod nano and a burrito. Green Bay is once again a force in the NFC north with everyone healthy and free agent upgrades at OL.

2. New Orleans Saints- QB Matt Leinart, USC
After moving Aaron Brooks to the Bills in exchange for a D lineman, NO takes Leinart. As Leinart walks up to the podium, he gets on his cell phone and calls Archie Manning to figure out how the hell he is going to get out of playing in the ghetto. Archie Manning then reminds Leinart that he played for the Saints and that he won't help him. Leinart then runs away from the stage to pursue a career in professional Ball Room Dance.

3. Tennessee Titans- QB Vince Young, Texas
Probably the best move for a first round draft pick. After the Titans trade QB Billy Volek to the Dolphins for WR Booker, Vince sits pretty as the #2 QB and heir apparent to great teacher and all around guy, Steve McNair. He's also the first pick in the draft to not be playing for a new head coach. McNair will get hurt halfway through the season, and Vince leads the charge for the Titans to get into the playoffs.

4. New York Jets- QB Omar Jacobs, Bowling Green
In a surprising move, the Jets don't go for defense and instead opt for versatile QB Jacobs. Pennington can't get it done after surgery and new head coach Jim Haslett goes for a QB that looks like Aaron Brooks of old that he hopes won't underachievers. In the second round, the Jets get RB Jerome Harrison, WSU and are sitting pretty on O.

5. Houston- OT D'Brickashaw Ferguson, Virginia
Far and above the best OL in the draft, Houston addresses their main issue at O-Line and stick with Carr. Ferguson will provide Protection on the left side for years to come. In the second round, the take OT Winston Justice, USC for insurance.

6. Oakland- DE Mario Williams, NC St.
Williams in tandem with DT Sapp provide a pass rush that tears apart the AFC west in 06. Oakland picks up a solid pass rusher in hopes of improving their defense. They also pick up DE Okefor from Arizona in exchange for Kerry Collins as QB Kurt Warner retires and Marques Tuiasosopo takes over snapping duties in Oakland.

7. 49ers- LB A.J. Hawk, OSU
With Julian Peterson leaving in free agency (to the Jets) Hawk is an immediate starter for the 49ers. Some think they will go for a RB this early (Maroney?) but Nolan realizes the talented back-up RB Gore's potential.

8. Bills- DE Tamba Hali, Penn State
The Bills need help stopping the run and Hali can help because he has excellent lateral movement on the line of scrimmage. The Bills think first about going for DT Ngata from Oregon, but then they realize he is from Oregon, therefore he has no potential of achieving in the NFL (See Onterio Smith, Akili Smith, Joey Harrington and others for examples).

9. Lions- CB Jimmy Williams, VT
Williams can play SS, FS or CB for the Lions and provides speed and power for the Lions in the secondary. With a hopeless offense because of Harrington (he's from Oregon mind you) the Lions D needs to win games a la Chicago.

10. Cardinals- OT Eric Winston, FSU
The Cards don't go for another RB this year and stick with J.J. and draft OL help for their aging QB Collins. This does not, however, produce any more wins because the Cards will never win the NFC west, period.

Anyway, we'll see if this works out, likely not. Vince Young (in my personal opinion) should be #2 over Leinart, but the pros don't like his release. Whatever, the Titans will go to the playoffs next year and Vince will be a key factor and all of the other teams in the bottom ten will remain there in 06.

Herm

NFL: National Felons League

Hermnation is back and in full effect as Vanilla Ice would say....

After a long absence, Hermnation is back and more cutting edge for 06. Speaking of cutting, the NFL is known for a poetic display of combat and violence, and this piece is strictly devoted to those NFL stars who have an appetite for violence off the field or an appetite for illegal substances. These athletes would make Ron Artest say, "Hey yo, I ain't gonna F with that yo. Those people F people up, and that's real yo." (Hermnation, always straight from the source)

Maurice Clarett's career (aka downward spiral) and current activities (aka too bad Johnie Cochran has passed) has inspired me to look at my all time favorite ex-cons. The NFL has has been plagued (ESPN has been blessed) with numerous NFL stars that just can't leave it on the field. Here are my all time favorites (in order of dumbassness):

10. Maurice Clarett (Left Out, Denver)

The saga begins. After a spectacular freshman year, MC got a head bigger than mine (7 and 5/8ths bitches) and thought he could cut it in the NFL at age 19. A magistrate told him "Hell no yo" (according to Mike Williams) and he had to sit...and eat PopEye's. In combines he was slow and fat but got a blessing as a fourth round pick by Denver. Denver wised up and cut his fat ass and he then robbed two people outside a night club in Columbus. What was all this worth? One of those Nokia Cell phones from 2001 with a Matrix themed faceplate. Dumbass rating: 50

9. Mark Chumra (TE, Green Bay)

Remember Chewey? No, not the guy that saved the Rebellion a long time ago. I'm talking about the TE that likes the ladies, or should I say the teenie boppers? Well Chewey bopped a teenie that was even teenier in age (17 or so) and is now listed on the sexual predator list in WisconSIN. My favorite part about his foray into criminal activity, he was charged with "child enticement" what the hell is that? Dumbass rating: 60

8. Mark Gastineau (DE, various teams)

Gastineau never quite got it (drug possession, illegal gambling etc.) but ended up getting it in the end (pardon the pun, 11 months in Riker's for parole violations). I'm not mad at Gastineau for his crimes. I am more upset at him for his part in the worst TV show ever (behind Dr. Phil). Dumbass rating: 30 + 60 for Gastineau Girls= 90

7. Eugene Robinson (SS, Seahawks, Green Bay)

This award is mainly for his timing. The night before the Superbowl and days after he received the Bart Starr award from Athletes in Action, he dropped a whopping $40 for a hand job (a hand job? are you 15?) from an undercover policewoman. Wow. Dumbass rating: 100

6. Rae Carruth (WR and current "bitch" of Curly in Sing Sing)

Rae committed the most heinous crime in NFL history and the closest seat he'll ever reach to the Hall is one that is a few to the left of Satan. Rae wasn't even that good, so I view this as an attempt to make a name for himself. He is currently the MVP of Cell Block 42 for he "deep posts". Dumbass rating: Infinite (but he's only 6th because he wasn't going to have much of an NFL career anyway)

5. Jamal Lewis (RB, Ravens free agent 2006)

I usually will let people borrow my cell phone for a call, but I'd never let Jamal use mine. He tried to hook up some H for a friend ($25,000 worth) and saw 4 months in lock-up. The good news: some desperate team will pay him good money as a free agent after a 2.8 yd/carry season in 2005 because he holds the record for yards in a game (double props because he called it the day before) and a 2,000yd season. Dumbass rating: 110 because he's still getting paid

4. Romo (LB Denver, Oakland)

The poster boy for steroids, Romo not only has been brought up on drug charges, he also clocked a backup tight end in the FACE with his helmet. "I'm sorry your honor, the drugs made me do it." No pity for you cheater, eat a D and sit at the right hand of Palmeiro for permanent placement on the blacklist. Also, Romo is reported to bigot racist and will soon join Carruth in Hell. Dumbass rating: 0 (I'm scared he'll rage into my house and kill me)

3. Michael Irvin (WR, Dallas)

The ESPN sports desk has been permanently tainted because Irvin's White Pony took a fat dump on it in during commercials. The guy just can't have enough. What more do you want? He should've listened to No. 2's advice in "The Waterboy", "and with that kids, as I always say, don't do drugs." Dumbass rating: 200 because he hasn't learned his lesson

2. Laurence Taylor (Thunderbolt, NY Giants)

Another poster boy for drug use, LT had about as many sacks as he did lines in Studio 54. He broke many bones of opposing quarterbacks and them attempted to smoke them because reporters said he "cracked" them, and therefore thought they were themselves crack (bad joke, sorry). Sorry LT, but you paved the way for Irvin and continue to make petty drug users look GOOD. Dumbass rating: 300 because Irvin was inspired by his activities

And for my number one

OJ (Shocker!!!!!!)

In trying to find some things to say about OJ, my sources did not provide me any information. The White Bronco wouldn't return my calls and the Leather Glove is reportedly out of the country. Dumbass Rating: Infinite (mostly because he is responsible for launching the career of Cato Kailen)

Honorable Mention: Ray Lewis, Warren Moon, Todd Marinovich, Lawerence Phillips, Barrett Robbins, Randy Moss, Dante Culpepper, Ontario Smith, Koren Robinson (seeing a theme here?), Jeremy Stevens, Nate Newton, Justin Sterlyzck (RIP), Chris Terry, Keno Hills, Suge Knight (he played for the Chiefs), Alonzo Spellman, Darrell Russel (RIP), Jim Dun-away (like his wife), Gene Atkins, Corey Fuller, and Sabastian Janikowski.

OK, I'll update everyday so as Ron Artest would say, "Check it out yo like my new album, it's hotter than hell according to Carruth!!"

Herm

(Disclaimer--the above facts are based on true situations but many assumptions and embellishments have been made. This is meant to be a satire, nothing more. Romo, if you want to sue me, hop in line, and I'll take the site down.)